I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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