Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
