One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
