plz talk dirty to me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
