i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
