I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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