the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
