I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My ATM looks so different sober.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
