I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
