I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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