i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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