My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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