I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
