Pants 0. Shit 1.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
