Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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