Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
