YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
