whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
