My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
