If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
