Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
