I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
