Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
A bitchslap is in order.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
