I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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