Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
