I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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