Apparently you make a good broom.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
