I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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