First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
