His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
