i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
