Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
