he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
