Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
