My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
farters have to be the big spoon...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
