Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
