the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
