I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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