Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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