When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
