I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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