Please, let me fuck your mom
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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