In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
