There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
