Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
