pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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