I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
