She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
