Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We were destined to go to rehab together
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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