shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
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