Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
