Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
