last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
