if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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