I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
