Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
