The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
