i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
