he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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