I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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