OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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